I'm almost 27, but I don't feel that old. I didn't get to be a teenager. My parents were very strict, yet never paid any attention to me.. so I was sheltered, but very neglected. I was abused by them quite a bit.. emotionally, and physically.. I was a bit of a handful, but this was due to the neglect.. I would act out because I was neglected and just wanted their attention, then they would punish me. I wanted their attention, but the only time they would give me their attention was when they were punishing me.
I realized something was wrong when I hit puberty.. and around that time, I began to not just act out, but I became full of rage and extreme sadness -- fell into a deep depression..
Gender is very black and white in my family. Girls do this, boys do that. I did subtly try to dress more masculine, wear cologne, boys shoes, things like that.. but it wasn't long before I was told girls don't do that.
I felt like a boy, but my body told me otherwise. I'd look in the mirror, and I'd see things I felt weren't supposed to be there.
But eventually, I did my very best to fit in, and to please everyone .. especially my parents. I overcompensated, dressed and acted as stereotypically feminine as possible.
I began cutting myself around this time.. and this is where the suicide attempts started.
they never understood why.. they just threatened to throw me in an institution whenever I did it.
They decided I was too much to handle at 16, and temporarily gave up custody. Handed me over to "the system". I was put in secure treatment (basically psych ward for kids), and then a group home, for 6 months. When I was released from the group home, we began fighting again. I was kicked out of the house just after I turned 17..
I haven't progressed much in life since I was kicked out.. so I don't feel much older than 16.. I never graduated because I couldn't concentrate in school, was never able to hold down a job because of mental instability.. I never had my parents support. There have been alot of times in my life where I've needed my mom more than anything.. and she's never been there.
Since then, I've gone through more than a person should ever have to go through in their life.. drug addiction, prostitution (because I could never hold down a "real" job), homelessness, loss, etc.. and I've attempted suicide so many times, I've lost count.
Yeah, I'm still here, and I'm okay right now.. I'm on disability income support.. I have a place to live.. I've been on hormones for almost 2 years.. I have friends that support me.. I have a great doctor and a great psychiatrist.. my chest surgery is in just a few days, and my hysterectomy is happening sometime this coming year..
I don't have much, but my basic needs are met - I have everything I need.. but I have this void in my heart. This feeling that something is missing. I need my family. I look around at other people's families.. I see that they take care of eachother.. they look out for eachother.. they support eachother.. It's such a mystery to me, as to what that's like.. all I know is that that's apparently the way a family is supposed to be.
Every time I am in a tough situation.. if I go broke again, if I'm starving again, if I have no place to go.. the first thing people always ask me when I tell them about it, is: "What about your family?"
Because apparently the family is supposed to be the people you can rely on, no matter what.
Not everyone's family is there for them.. I know that..
But, I don't know.. I just want my family back. I know they've changed.. they are no longer physically abusive.. they raised my brothers very well.. and would do anything for them.. my sisters as well.. but me? I've always been the black sheep. They claim they love me.. they swear it up and down.. but they will not accept me as trans.. and this has alienated me.. I'm not really allowed to go over there for christmas or other holidays. -- I get very bitter around those times.. At christmas, I drink for 3 days straight, though I don't really drink any other time of year. I just do it to numb the pain. They almost never call me or write to me.. I have to initiate contact.. but then they act like they are too busy for me.. always running around.. doing their own thing.. they have no time for their own child.
The only time they really seem to care, is that one time every year when they realize they have another kid: my birthday.
They send me a couple hundred dollars for my birthday/christmas (my birthday is mid-December).. and mom calls me up and acts all cheerful, like she's on some kind of drug.. she sounds like she's filled to the brim with joy.. wishes me happy birthday.. tries talking like I haven't been abandoned by her the whole year..
And when we hang up, that's it. For another 365 days.
I don't want their money though. I just want my family back.
I came out to my parents as trans 3 years ago this month, and they still refuse to accept it.
My brothers don't talk to me, because they've been taught by my parents that transsexuality doesn't exist, and that what I'm doing is a sin.. it's against god's plan, etc etc.. and that's the thing that breaks my heart the most. All of my siblings are younger than me, and I never got to see them grow up. The youngest is 14.. the last time I heard from him was when he was 10. He hates me now, because of what he's been told.. I may never have a relationship with him, or my other siblings, never mind my parents.
And all 3 of my sisters had babies in the past 2 years. I may never get to see my neices and nephews grow up.
.. I don't know. I just want my family back. All I want is to be accepted by them.. as a brother, an uncle, and a son.
 


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